I’ve taken a little hiatus over the past 4 months. I’m back now and hitting you hard with the heavy stuff. Thank you all for your patience and the space and grace to allow me to focus on other things for a while.
As many of you know, I had a miscarriage at the end of 2018. It was very difficult for me, as it is for any woman. I had never known how isolating it could be until I experienced it myself. Even with knowing so many others who went through it and having a caring husband who also felt pain around it, it is still a very lonely experience. However, I shared my story and hopefully helped ease some of the heartache that another woman has had involving a miscarriage. I was able to work through it and not let it stop me from trying again.
Here I am, finally ready to share with you all that I’m pregnant! I’m now 32 weeks along in a healthy pregnancy. We are having a little girl and we are over the moon excited about it. Earlier on in my pregnancy, I was so cautious to share it with anyone. I found myself contemplating whether to even share with my husband when I had my positive pregnancy test back in February. (We found out on Valentine’s Day.) Ultimately I decided to share with him so that I wouldn’t have to go through heartbreak totally alone if I lost another child. For that thought process, I felt a little terrible. As they say, each child and pregnancy are different. They all hold their own experiences. But, I couldn’t help but let the events of my last pregnancy affect how I experienced this one.
Early on, I didn’t tell anyone about it, except for my best friend. She was also pregnant with a little girl (baby was born healthy in early July) and I was excited about the prospect of us having two little ones around the same age to grow up together. I was also SO VERY TERRIFIED to get excited at all about this pregnancy. I tried to keep myself from picturing the future with two children. I was afraid to tell my mom about it. I forbid my husband from telling anyone. Frankly, it was hard to even tell people at 15 weeks along, which is when we finally announced it, still worried that something may go wrong. Even after announcing, it took me a while to share in anyone else’s excitement. I didn’t want to get my heart broken again, so I thought maybe if I kept it guarded, I’d be immune to any heartbreak if the worst were to occur.
I think it was around 20 weeks when I finally decided enough was enough. It was time to give this rainbow baby the giddy and excited parent she deserves. I was finally ready to celebrate that we really have another little one on the way. I started thinking about my maternity and what we should do. I finally allowed myself to really plan for having a second little one. I started planning out how we would prepare RJ for a little sister (our 2 year old son). I could finally shop for cute little girl clothes and go through the baby clothes we’d been saving from my son to see what would work for our baby girl. I have enjoyed talking to others about my pregnancy and our plans for bringing our little girl home. We have also picked out her name to honor both my mom and my husband’s late mother – Patsy Lyn.
As we navigate the rewarding but most definitely difficult newborn period, I will remind myself to enjoy it. I will remind myself that we are blessed beyond words to be able to add to our family in just the way we wanted. During those sleepless nights and difficult moments that are going arise with having a 2 year old and a newborn, I will remember that there was a time when I felt it wasn’t possible to even be privileged enough to have these moments. I will find the moments in each day to be grateful for and I will enjoy this beautiful, crazy life and family I have been given. After going through such a difficult thing like miscarriage, I will be stronger and more able to see the beauty of the bigger picture instead of focusing on the day to day annoyances that are sure to come with a budding family. I will revel in the beautiful moments and I will enjoy this journey of parenthood that I am on. Although I still have a bit of worry left, I am mostly filled with hope, awe, and excitement, which is exactly where I want to be.
Much love and positive vibes,
Momma Caped Nerd ❤
Have you experienced pregnancy after a miscarriage? What were some of your feelings surrounding it? Help out my readers and leave a comment below!
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