Warning: There is minor talk of blood and periods in this post.
I always thought miscarriage was a devastating thing. I always felt so sad for anyone brave enough to confide in me that they’ve had a miscarriage. I never knew what to do or say to them. What do you say when someone has lost a child they never got to meet? There aren’t words…
I never thought that miscarriage would happen to me. I have a beautiful almost 18 month old son. My pregnancy with him happened quickly after only a month of trying. My pregnancy was easy and his birth went relatively smoothly. Heck, I was so good at incubating a baby, we had to force him out of there! So, when I became pregnant with my second child, I thought it would naturally go as well as the first. I started out my second pregnancy with no symptoms beyond a missed period. Once again we had only been trying for about a month and bam! pregnancy. My husband and I were very excited to see our first child become a big brother. About 8 weeks into my pregnancy I started what seemed like a light period. My doctors reassured me that it can be normal. Luckily, the day I started bleeding was the day of my first prenatal appointment. They checked my baby with the portable ultrasound and were able to see a heartbeat. I breathed a sigh of relief and felt a lot better.
In the following week or so, bleeding became heavier but never got to the point that I would remotely consider “changing a pad every hour” bleeding, which was the guideline for when to be concerned. I kept in touch with the doctors’ office and continually checked in with them. They had me go in to get blood tests performed to check my hormone levels and I did. They had me go 48 hours after my first blood test to get the hormone level re-checked to make sure it had gone up, which would mean I’m still pregnant. I got the results of the first test and it was consistent with pregnancy. After anxiously awaiting the results of the second test, I got the hard phone call. I had lost the baby and I instantly starting crying.
I think in between my first blood test and second is when I actually lost the baby. I’m pretty sure I wrapped my baby up in a pad and threw it away. I think a part of me knew that I had passed the baby on this particular trip to the bathroom. But, I wanted to believe what everyone was telling me. I wanted to believe that it was normal and my baby was fine. It wasn’t fine though. I lost the baby that I never really got to meet. I got the phone call during a play date my son was having with my friend’s little boy. After giving me a hug, my dear friend gracefully watched the boys while I went upstairs to cry it out a little. I collected myself and left shortly thereafter. I took my son home and cried while he napped. I didn’t tell my husband until after my son was in bed for the night. I didn’t want to break down in front of my 1 year old because I knew he wouldn’t know what was happening and I didn’t want to cause him any anguish. My husband and I cried together. We are still working through it but have healed in many ways already.
Miscarriage was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. It is something that people are afraid to talk about. It is a silent struggle for a lot of women, and that just plain sucks. It’s a hard thing for anyone to understand when they have not themselves experienced one. Because of that, it can be a very isolating occurrence. I’m pretty sure I’ve lost a friend over mine because she doesn’t know how to be around me anymore. She and I were due a month apart and her pregnancy is going well and I couldn’t be happier for her. But, I think she’s afraid that her joy will upset me. I’ve been there, and possibly did this to one of my other friends when I was pregnant with my son. I was pregnant and knew she had experienced two miscarriages. I wasn’t sure how much to share with her about the pregnancy and I think I may have distanced myself. I remember one moment though when we were at a hockey game together. She asked me about the pregnancy and how it was going and I thought about changing the subject. Then, I caught myself and thought, “How would I want someone to treat me if I was in her shoes?” I would want to be treated the same as I would’ve been treated before anyone knew I had a miscarriage or pregnancy, for that matter. So, we continued our conversation as if everything was normal and it was absolutely fine.
I think a lot of times people don’t know how to handle those who have gone through miscarriage. My hope with sharing my story is that I will help those who don’t have personal experience with miscarriage to better understand what someone may be going through. It is hard to know how to be sensitive, without making someone feel like you’re walking on eggshells around them. So, here is my advice, based on my own experience, for anyone who may find themselves interacting with someone that has had a miscarriage.
- Extend your condolences if they confide in you about what happened.
- Tell them you are there for them if they need it, and follow through on that.
- If you are pregnant, don’t avoid them because of it.
- Avoid asking women questions like “So, when are you having kids?” or “When is the next kid coming?” –You never know what someone is going through.
- Continue to invite them out with you, even if they don’t say yes on the first few invites.
- Treat them normally.
I have made my peace with what happened. I feel OK and that it’s all part of the plan. We will have the child or children we were meant to have. For now, we will continually be grateful for our amazing, wonderful, sweet, adorable, perfect son and for everything we have.
I hope this post has helped you in some way. If you have gone through a miscarriage and need someone to talk to, please reach out to me. I’m happy to help you in any way I can.
Much love all my Caped Nerd peeps. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Momma Caped Nerd ❤
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